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The IFX Group Bad Diet Page

In an effort to help those with minds too weakened by overdoses of sugar, salt and fat to realize that the following is humor, we provide our official list of fantastic fad diets.

The Grocery Store Diet.

Every diet must have a gimmick or nobody will pay attention to it. So here is the most effective gimmick diet ever. It won't go on your hips if it doesn't go into your grocery basket. Yes, all of that bad stuff like chips, soft drinks, white bread, bulk candy, ice cream and heavily processed foods are perfectly safe and healthy to leave on the store shelf.

The Poverty Diet.

This is one of the most simple diets of them all. Put $20 cash into your wallet and leave all of your credit cards and checks at home. Then go grocery shopping for the most food you can buy for the money you have. If you really do compare price, food quality, and quantity, processed foods can be at the expensive end of the scale. For example, a loaf of white bread may look like a good buy at a fraction of the cost of whole wheat bread, but compare the weight and fiber instead of the size and you will find the whole wheat bread is often a better buy.

The Generosity Diet.

This is the most fun diet for social people. In this diet you buy and prepare the normal quantity of food you would for a meal for your family, but you also invite friends over to share the meal with you. This both gives you an excuse to eat less and some time to socialize with friends. And if your friends are poor, they save on their food bill too.

The Exercise Diet.

It is well known that the more we exercise, the less we have to diet in order to maintain a consistent weight. Simply putting the pantry and refrigerator on a different floor, room or some additional distance from the kitchen can help add a few extra steps to your food preparation efforts. And if you walk to the grocery store you get the exercise of walking plus you don't buy as much as it might be too heavy to carry all the way back home.

The Constant Diet.

Most nutritionists will tell you that it is best to eat many more small meals than it is to eat one very large one. So why not spread all of the meals out over many hours? Start at breakfast by preparing and eating just one thing like a single slice of toast. Then leave the kitchen, do something physical for a minimum of 15 minutes and return to prepare just one more thing like the second slice of toast. Repeat this cycle for all meals and see how much you accomplish.

The Bad Food Diet.

This is as simple as it sounds. Avoid everything that tastes or looks good. If you put only sour, smelly and unappealing food on your plate, you are much less likely to eat as much.

The Tiny Plate Diet.

Many parents mistakenly train their children to be members of the clean plate club. No dessert until you clean the plate. Think of all those starving children in some remote third world country. This is bribery, but the training sticks with us well in to our old age. So if we can't break the rules, change the game. Toss out all of your oversized dinner plates and replace them with tiny saucers. Now a full plate is closer to the actual size we should have for a single serving. You can still clean your plate and once in a while you can even go back for guilt-free seconds.

The Rainbow Diet.

Almost every diet expert will say that white food is bad. This is most often about highly processed foods made from white flour, white sugar and anything that has been bleached or chemically altered to the point the original color is lost. This diet prevents anything white from entering your mouth. Eat all of the colors of the rainbow, but only things that are naturally the color you see. Remember, dye is not a food.

The Consultant Diet.

Anyone that works in the corporate world will understand this one. You buy the same amount of groceries that you normally do, but bring a consultant into your kitchen to tell you how to cook it. They use recipes from cook books that you already own, ingredients from your pantry and eat a portion of the meal you prepare. If you don't loose weight, add more consultants until you do. The only problem with this diet is that the consultants get fat and are unable to use this diet for their own weight loss.

The Lawyer Diet.

This diet promises free food and weight loss at the same time. You tell a lawyer when you are hungry and they go to the food producers and sue them for a whole year's worth of food. It takes a long time to win the case and you are forced to find an alternative source for your food while you wait. When it comes time to get your reward you get one dinner plate and a half-eaten loaf of bread. The rest goes to legal fees. When you tell the lawyer you are even more hungry than before, they repeat the process until you either find a different source for food or you die. But if you die the lawyer will get even more from the food producers due to your obvious pain and suffering.

The Short-Short Diet.

The term short has a double meaning in this diet. The first is the number of processing steps from the origin of the food to your mouth. The second is the list of ingredients. Select only foods with the shortest lists in both meanings. It all starts at the grocery store where you are limited to buying only things with the shortest list of ingredients and of those ingredients, only things with the least processing. When comparing similar products, always choose the one with the shortest ingredient list that is comprised of the least processed things. This means fresh vegetables (a single ingredient) always wins over frozen vegetables (sometimes with added salt) which always wins over canned vegetables (often cooked with other added ingredients). The diet continues right down to the dinner plate where you must eat the foods with the fewest ingredients first. If you eat vegetables first, each a single ingredient item, then you are more likely to feel full before less healthy items can crowd them out.

The American TV Diet.

This is near second nature for most USA citizens. Start by watching unlimited amounts of television paying close attention to all advertisements for food products. Buy only those products you see advertised and eat them every time you see another advertisement for the same product. This won't help you loose weight and it won't make you healthy. But it will help pay for those nice TV shows you like to watch.

The Picture Phone Diet.

Sometimes technology can be used as a fun gimmick to trick people into confessing their problems with food. In this diet you take a picture of everything you eat each day and send those pictures to a special diet analyst for review. What you may not know is that there is a computer at the receiving side that simply sends back random reports about how bad you are doing along with a bill. The only thing you loose on this diet is the number of minutes on your cell phone plan. But it's still fun to play with the picture phone, right?

The Fad, Fad Diet.

There have been fad diets almost as long as there have been fads. This diet takes it to the eventual extreme where the fad itself is the fad. The problem is the fad must continually push itself beyond the extreme or it ceases to be a fad. To do this you must spend all of your time and effort pushing the limits of fad leaving no time to eat.

Grief Diet.

Go visit a loved one in the hospital when they are extremely ill or close to death. Spend all your time and energy comforting your loved one while they are waiting for doctors, nurses, orderlies and other hospital staff. Be sure to skip meals and when you do get time to eat, go at off-hours to whatever food place is inside the hospital and order whatever looks like it has been sitting out under the heat lamps or in the plastic display case for the longest time. Extra points for things that have become stale, have turned a different color or are growing fuzzy. You don't have to eat this food which makes the diet even more effective. But don't stay on this diet too long or you may find yourself on the receiving end of hospital care.

The SUV Diet.

To work effectively you must buy the largest, most fuel-hungry inefficient vehicle possible. If your SUV is getting over 10 miles per gallon, load up the trunk with bags of sand, rocks or anything else heavy enough to weigh it down and lower your gas mileage. Then only buy the most expensive, highest octane fuel you can find making sure to always buy it at the gas station farthest away from where you are when you need fuel to make sure several gallons are always spent getting to and from the gas station. The good part of this diet is that you never really feel like you are on a diet until the end of the month when your credit card bills arrive and this magically turns into the Poverty Diet.

The Naked Mirror Diet.

Buy a large quantity of mirrored tiles at the hardware or home decoration store. Completely cover all of the walls anywhere in your house where you eat. Then remove all barriers (clothes, furniture, etc.) between you and the mirrors and stare at your reflection in the mirrors while you eat. This helps build a mental connection between eating and the fat you see in the mirror, but it gets much more effective when embarrassment is added to the picture during dinner parties with your boss or in-laws. After you are unemployed and divorced, the mirrors can serve as reminders about how much this stupid diet cost.

The Hand Lotion Diet.

This diet requires a large investment in hand lotion so an industrial sized dispenser is available everywhere you are likely to eat any kind of food. It is very important the lotion is the kind that does not soak into your skin for many minutes. Every time you want to take a bite of food, start by loading up your hands with a double portion of lotion and rubbing them together until the lotion absorbs. Repeat this for every bite no matter how small or large.

The Chew-Chew Diet

Chewing your food thoroughly is known to be very helpful to your digestion and ability to absorb the nutrients which can directly improve your health. This diet allows you to eat at much of anything you want, even the foods you know are bad for you, but requires you to take a bite and chew it a minimum of fifty times before swallowing any of it. This goes for everything you eat including soft things like gelatin and ice cream. If the excessive chewing doesn't make you give up eating dinner because you are physically tired, at least it will help strengthen your jaw muscles. If your head starts to resemble a mushroom and you find that you can bite the top off of metal cans, it is time to try a different diet.

The Roman Senator Diet

This is the biggest fad version of a really old-world government promoted diet made popular at the height of the Roman Empire. You can eat and drink huge quantities of absolutely everything you want. Chew up all your food getting all of the taste pleasure, then spit it out. Repeat indefinitely or until you gross yourself out with the large pile of chewed food spilling over next to you. Warning: this diet may induce involuntary bulimia symptoms in yourself and others which makes this one of the most powerful diets ever because not only do you loose weight, but so do your friends, family and neighbors.

The Heavy Serviceware Diet

Do you like those really expensive pans that weigh five or six times more than your mother's cookware? Do you like plates made from cast iron, stoneware or real stone? On this diet you must replace all of your cookware and table ware with the heaviest metal and stone you can find. Have all of your forks, spoons and knives permanently attached to hand weights. You can eat anything you want, but it must be personally prepared and served with your new heavy serviceware.

The No Buy-It Diet.

If you do not buy it, you do not eat it. This diet works everywhere from the grocery store and restaurant to the specialty stores like your local pastry shop, candy shop and coffee house. The good news is that your wallet and bank account will get fat while you get thin. A double bonus while you shed that double chin!

Faux Gastric Bypass Diet

Ask anyone that has experienced any one of the many forms of gastric modification. It does not matter if part of their stomach was removed, bypassed or restricted with some band or staples. In every case their ability to eat large meals instantly vanashied. They are forced to eat a very tiny amount of food and wait for it to digest before they can eat something else. In this diet you use a single one cup measuring cup to visually show the size of your new stomach. You can eat anything that fits into the cup but you must wait at least an hour between meals. If you do not sleep this allows you to have a maximum of 24 cup-sized meals per day. Unfortunately malnutrition is a serious risk with this diet, as is true for real gastric bypass patients. Learning how to identify and eat only nutrient dense foods is key to the long term success of this diet.

The un-Diet.

When everything else has been tried, why not go for the diet that has worked so well for thousands of years? Eat less and exercise more.